Just a Thought Thursday: A Letter to Mom

I have been working through some really hard things lately.  I was trying so hard to figure out why I have been so cranky, impatient, on the brink of what felt like a nervous breakdown. Then I wondered if it was all this hurt, regret, and sorrow over my mom's death.  It's been 6 months, but it feels more like 6 years. I remembered I wrote her a letter and read it to her just a couple weeks before she died.  (You can read that here if you'd like).  I remember feeling so glad I did.  So, I figured it couldn't hurt to write her another one - even though she is gone.  So while waiting for Ben to fall asleep tonight I took a pen and put my thoughts to paper.  I have to say, it did make me feel better.  Maybe because I cried - hard - for a while, or maybe because a small part of me felt like she was reading it over my shoulder.  I'd like to share that letter with you now:

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July 12, 2012

Mom,

I miss you SO much!! It just doesn't seem fair that you are gone.  There are so many things I ache to share with you. Like Ben's crazy personality and amazing athleticism.  Or Gianna's ever changing smile - she has top teeth now! - and her hair.  Oh, that hair! You would just swoon over it!

I wish you could visit us in our new place - and I'd tell you about all the people we've met here.  I think you'd be surprised that I'm working at Lakeshore again because they opened one here in Indy.  I love it! I got to help put it together from the ground up.

I miss hearing your voice.  I hate that I can't call to talk to you, and that when I come home I can only see you in pictures.

I always thought that time helped to heal wounds so why is it getting harder each day since you left?

I'm sorry you suffered so much your last years (months) of life.  I'm sorry I didn't hold your hand more while you were sick at home and in the hospital.  I'm sorry I pretended like it was any other good-bye when I knew deep down it was the last time I'd see you alive.

I so badly want to hear your voice! I want to see you.  I want to know you are in Heaven.

I feel like I would be a better mom if you were still here.  My heart literally sinks and aches when I think of you - which is often.  You were so brave.

I hope you are with your mom now.  I know that if you missed her as much as I miss you that it must be an amazing relief to be with her again.  I know you love me and I know you were proud of me - I only wish you were here to remind me.

Love you.  Miss you.  Mean it.

Love,
me

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So, as cliche as it sounds hug your kids a little tighter tonight, kiss your spouse a little longer, and call your parents to tell them you love them....

Just a thought.